Adoption is born out of great loss. As a birthmom, I know this well, and when I hear the bandaid of “God’s plan” go over the wound of childhood trauma, well it makes me sick.
These days, I’m searching for diversity. In my desperate longing to help women who have placed a child for adoption, I am gaining perspective. I am listening to adoptees. I am listening to adoptive parents. I am listening to social workers. I am listening.
What if along with the grief counseling and grief-survival skills we teach birthparents, we teach them what courage looks like, how to connect, how trauma affects the brain (which they have experienced as a result of the separation), how trust works? What if we teach them to be trauma-informed people, who have compassion for the needs of themselves and their child?
If you are a birthmom, this is for you. If you worked through Revealing You and thought, “Great! Now what,” This is for you. If you are a person, who needs something a bit deeper, this is for you.
Last week of the Adoption Connection. Enjoy!
Adoption Awareness Week 3 – Supporting Families Bringing a Child Home
Week 2 of a 4 part series of adoption awareness posts I am doing for my school here in Qingdao.
I’ve been doing some adoption awareness posts for my school here in Qingdao. I thought I would share them here with you all too. Enjoy!
I didn’t become a parenting expert (whatever that is) when I had children.
Don’t be under the false impression that you have to know it all. Don’t get bullied into shame. This is too important.
I don’t want to grieve well. I want to grieve honestly.
Today, I learned something about these birthdays: sometimes a ritual is confining.
I am becoming more convinced than ever that we need to create space and grace for the sacred beginning. It’s important.
My post on Relevant.com about human dignity in adoption.
If love covers a multitude of sins, hopefully it covers the good tries as well.
If we give our child’s story away, he will stop trusting us with it when he gets older.
In my new book Mine, Yours & Ours (coming soon) I make an attempt to get the reader to understand birthmom pain. I wonder though, if you already get it; you just don’t know it yet.
I am the first contributor in their new section Being a Birth Mom. I have a few links to share!
Am I saying we are going to our death? YES! Yes, I am. I truly believe we all are, and we all should be.
I understand that birthparents want contact, for the most part, but I don’t think we should have contact in adoption because of the birthparents.
Do you feel like you’re running out of gas? That despite your best efforts you’re about to come to a grinding halt slap bang in the middle of the highway of life?
I am excited to be featured in the BirthMom Buds newsletter this quarter.
So, for something a little fun and in honor of baseball opening last week, please, enjoy the best poem I’ve ever written.
There needs to cease to be the idea that adoptive parents do birthparents a favor and birthparents do adoptive parents a favor. Favor is indicative of debt. They are parenting my child and now I owe them. She placed her child with us and now we owe her. We did her a favor and now she owes us. I did them a favor and now they owe me. YUCK! Adoption is not a favor.
Today is hard. Today I put my money where my mouth is. Today I only focus on being present.
If we step back and really look at the Word, we are under no obligation to care for widows and orphans through adoption. We want to be like Christ, yes, but are we called to feed 5,000 with a loaf of bread and a few fish?
I’ve been wrong about Jesus plenty of times, and I venture to guess there are still things that I don’t know about Him.
Love birthmoms well this month by acknowledging that the joy of the adoptive family began with with pain of a birthmother’s loss.
In those moments, in those times of longing and wondering and crying out, I pray that you are open to reason God has called you to adoption, to make you more like Him, to be in deeper relationship with Him, to know Him more. That is your joy and your prize in the process of adoption, a baby to love and care for is just bonus.
How in the midst of all of this can I find any measure of success? How can I get up and go to work tomorrow if I have to look at that again?
If you assume that I don’t love my child at this moment because I placed him for adoption over fifteen years ago, the shame is on you.
I wanted to share the preface with you, friends, to give you a taste of the journal.
My amazing, loving husband and my children have a bit of a tradition for my son’s birthday.
Writing is fabulous, but publishing anything, even this post, is uncomfortable. I feel like people are rolling their eyes at me or patting me on the head. When I wrote Delivered, I had friends comment on how shocked they were, pleasantly, that they were not embarrassed for me. Now, after publishing Revealing You, I have had more than one person say to me that I am a writer now. That only affirmed my fear that one book wasn’t enough or that self-publishing, with its long nights and steep learning curve, was somehow less than.
It’s not all-inclusive but it has the energy to take you deeper. I AM SO FREAKING EXCITED ABOUT IT!!!
It is not an exclusive club, but a wide-open community of people who love deeply and dare greatly and sacrifice and weep and mourn and sing over our beloved.
Jesus is extraordinary, there is no denying that, but He is ordinary too.
I went to a surprisingly refreshing Palm Sunday service this morning with my family.
Whether it is my blog or a book, my desire is for connection.
I want to believe that when we are naked in the Temple and the streets and in prayer and in relationship, when we bear witness to Jesus through our story, others are able to understand Him better, encounter Him and receive freedom.
“Fear not! For I am with you.”
“Even here?” I ask.
“Yes, even here.”
“Because this sucks,” I have to tell Him.
“Yep, I’m with you there too.”
I feel like the Church has suggested adoption as the end all, be all in unplanned pregnancy, and I wonder why?
I made the only parenting decision I could and it would be my last for him. Right? Wrong.
The ideal is the goddess of the norm. We worship her. We long for her. We live or die by her rules, and ultimately friends, we die.
Mine, Yours & Ours coming soon!!!
Adoption is born out of loss. Joy out of pain. Continued joy out of continued pain. The gift that keeps on giving.
External indicators of joy cannot be the defining mark of joy. It’s deeper than that.
I don’t always believe God or agree with Him about my circumstances. I don’t always trust what God has for me, but I do trust that I can talk to Him about it.
In October my mother was diagnosed with Lewy Body Disease.
It was devastating.
If you have ever wondered what it feels like to place a child for adoption, here is an excerpt from my book Delivered and how it felt to me.
Why does waiting feel so like grief?
Sometimes I think I can manipulate the waiting, like the antenna on top of an old television.
My husband says, “Cleave is the opposite of cleave.” I don’t think there is a bit of irony in that but a stark truth. And I am thankful.
How does this present chaos and struggle and grief fit with an eternal God of love, joy and redemption?
For birthmothers, grief comes at life events. Today was one of mine.
“There are so many ways to care for orphans. Please, please, do not for any reason choose to foster/adopt a child out of guilt from a pastor, family member, or misinterpretation of Scripture. The only reason to bravely step into the life of a child is because God has called you to do that.”
Because you were all so kind a few weeks ago, I will treat you to the beginning that was not to be…
The right to life issue is a sovereignty of God issue.
I came to Little Rock and this job with an advantage, or so I thought.
This weekend we will celebrate and remember.
Where is the freedom? Where is the joy? Why can’t I get this through my thick heart? Surely, if I was doing it right, doing it well, doing it enough I would be living in wedded bliss with my Bridegroom!
But I wasn’t, and it had me wondering, why isn’t my Christian life working for me?
My grief was a nasty little man with pale skin and a whip, reminding me of my slavery to a great loss.
The tree of Life though, that inviting endless discovery of God, intimately connected to my heart by His Spirit inside of me, is offering shade.
Looking forward to another great interview with Sean Herriott.
This is the first in a series about who/what God is not because I thought it would be fun. I hope you enjoy it too!
Many thanks to Nathaniel Harris for the phrase “a miracle in your pocket” he uses when speaking of the sleek iPhone.
Spiritual Disciplines. Let’s end this charade. Let’s give up this fight. Let’s take off these masks and get down to it. Because I am sick and tired and weary and wanting more. I am fed up with ways to meet with the Lord in just six easy steps.
I have found myself tired, discontent, and angry at the guilt I feel toward this impossible role of being God’s child. And I wonder, is this all there is?
The revelation of His feelings for me stirred my soul. The Lord is passionate about us. I mean, passionate. He pursues us continually, gives us good gifts, and takes great delight in us.
I will lose my voice to this story.
They are the love of God in the flesh at my fingertips every single day.
“Oh Honey! This book will rock your world. It’s so raw and real. It tells this amazing story of how the Lord redeems even the worst sinners. Here! I’ll let you borrow it.”
I had the amazing experience of being a guest on 100 Huntley Street this morning. I loved every minute of it! I hope you do too. Click here to see the interview.
I know this is supposed to be my blog, but the Word of the Lord is so much better than anything I can come up with.
Today I am a guest blogger at CityChurch Charlotte’s Blog.
Whenever I speak about my experience as a birthmother I cannot whole-heartedly say that I “placed” my baby boy for adoption. Read why.
Go, purchase, and proceed to adorn yourself in beautiful and comfortable style.
And is a conjunction word used to connect words of the same part of speech, clauses, or sentences that are to be taken jointly.
Just in case you missed it, here is Michelle’s interview with Sean Herriott from Relevant Radio this morning. Go down to 6/22/2012 and click on Hour 2. http://relevantradio.com/audios/morning-air-with-sean-herriott
Why did you give your baby away?
Blue ink, a tiny thumb, and a seized opportunity for art—a masterpiece indeed.
Hey friends! Here is a link to my recent interview with America Adopts. Hope you enjoy! *UPDATED 8/4/2014* It has come to my attention that this link is no longer available. So, I have posted the interview here for you to read instead! AMERICA ADOPTS INTERVIEW 1. Let’s start at the beginning of your journey. […]
You can own that joy, you can move forward knowing that you loved well, and you can be truly, deeply happy without feeling guilty.
Hey there! Just a quick post to let you all know that Delivered is now on Kindle. I am very excited about the possibilities of this, as it is now available in almost any language including Italian, Portuguese, Spanish, French, German, Cyrillic (such as Russian), Japanese, Chinese (Traditional and Simplified), and Korean! Please, pass this […]
Have you ever seen a little kid learning to jump into water for the first time? The fear that grips them is evident. They know they can trust their father, but they do so against every fiber of their being. They hesitate and question making sure that their father is indeed going to be there […]
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I love baseball. It’s the best sport—ever. With Opening Day just a little over a month away, I started thinking about baseball today. I love the smell of freshly cut grass, the sound of the crowd, the loyalty of the fans. I love hot dogs and people watching. I love the math involved. I love […]
Throughout my life I have been called a horse at various times on various occasions. The first time I remember being called a horse was by my best friend’s mom. We had been playing around and I sat on Kim. Her mom yelled, “Get off my daughter, you horse.”
In my twelve years since giving a child up for adoption, I have been talking about the experience, and find it to be like allowing people to go through my secret drawer. I have met all kinds of people interested to hear what I have to say. Wanting to know what it was like to […]