There is something so exhausting about being still. Waiting. I hate it. When I feel called to it, I hate it even more. I wait everyday. I wait for Jesus to come back and for the traffic light to turn green. I wait for things to change and I wait for things to steady.
Sometimes I think I can manipulate the waiting, like the antenna on top of an old television. If I tilt it to the right and hold one leg up while wearing foil on my head, it will happen. I can fix it.
But beloved, there are somethings we weren’t designed to fix.
Waiting stuns us. It makes us claw at loose dirt in our lives. It sneaks up on us and mocks our relationship with God, the One who calls. Waiting forces the issue.
Why? Is He not trustworthy? Of course He is.
And here is where it happens…
I begin to name call and beat myself up. I begin to doubt that intimate moment with God when He told me to do something. I wonder about myself. Have I chosen my depravity again? Maybe if I repent…Maybe if I work it out more, or write about it. What if I suggest this or mention that? Perhaps I have been looking at it all wrong…UGH! And now I’m exhausted again.
This is when I remember that working out your salvation with fear and trembling has everything to do with admitting your honest feelings about God to God.
Is God who He says He is?
Sometimes, I’m not sure.
Right now I am waiting for something in particular, something that feels big to me. I am waiting for a promise. And trust me, just because I know, I know, in the depths of my soul that God called me to do something, doesn’t mean I trust Him to complete it.
Waiting forces the issue.
Do I trust God?
Some moments I do. Some moments I don’t. But the moments that I try to work out the wait with my own devices, I end up conflicted and frustrated. I end up in the flesh because I started with the flesh.
Today, friends, through gritted teeth and an exhausted body I’m admitting that I am afraid to trust Him, and I am trying to remember that God calls us, equips us, and finishes it for us. He always has. He always will.
When waiting, don’t worry about waiting well…wait with Him.