I don’t know what to say. My son is 16 years old today. SIXTEEN!
Today is hard. Today I put my money where my mouth is. Today I only focus on being present.
There is something in me that feels like I should just be smiling and telling the world. There is a part of me that holds this too close for anyone to touch. I also feel ashamed that I can’t go to work today, but I am proud that I am taking care of me. I’m afraid of what people will think if they know I struggle on this day and I’m afraid of what others would think if they thought I didn’t.
It’s like I don’t know how to be, you know? There aren’t rules or greeting cards for this sort of thing.
If I thought he was struggling today, that his birthday was hard for him, like it is for some adoptees, I think I would die. Likewise, I hope he is thinking of me too.
I guess nothing can prepare you for this. No one could have told me how hard it would be to explain myself to my other children. My son that I parent Deacon and I had a heart-to-heart the other night after watching Kung Fu Panda 2. When the mommy panda put her baby panda in the basket he started bawling his eyes out and had to leave the room. He went to my bed and just wanted me to hold him.
“I didn’t like that. I don’t want you to do that to me. That was mean of his mommy.”
OH GOD! OH DEAR GOD!!! Please, don’t make me do this. Please, don’t make me tell him that I was the mommy panda to his big brother.
Opportunities for learning born out of sin are not easy. Opportunities to teach your child about the consequences of your sin and the innocents that were/are affected are excruciating.
Because to his five year old mind, it wasn’t loving. I wonder if it is to my sixteen year old’s mind… And I know, I know that he is five, but so was Dylan at one point. There has to be a special place in heaven for adoptive mamas, who hold their child’s pain and questions and confusion until they are old enough to understand. God bless the woman who held and comforted my son, her son, our son while he wondered.
Today is hard.
Sweet sixteen is bittersweet.