In my twelve years since giving a child up for adoption, I have been talking about the experience, and find it to be like allowing people to go through my secret drawer. I have met all kinds of people interested to hear what I have to say. Wanting to know what it was like to carry a child knowing I would not raise him. Curious about the pain I went through in those crucial moments, and relived at the redemption that came along with it. Wondering how I don’t live in shame. People seem to be genuinely interested in my personal experience, in who I am, and what I think.
If I’m brave enough, I would admit that this brings me great joy. I would tell you that at the core of who I am, I long to be interesting and inspiring. But today, I am just Michelle, and today I will tell you that the interest people have in my story reminds me of Jesus.
Too cheesy? I don’t think so.
I think that Jesus is relevant, just like pain is relevant. I think that Jesus and pain are both complex and necessary to bring the fullness of life, to bring freedom. To me, being a birthmother is my pain and Jesus is Jesus. He is the independent variable in our deepest question. He is the hinge from which the pendulum swings. He is the energy behind our attempt at an equal and opposite reaction to God. Each of us has our own specific, startling, tender pain. If its only the pain of loosing yourself, or your projected self, its still pain.
I choose to be vocal about my experience as a birthmother because I want to connect to the part of people that is painful and remind them, as I am, of the independent variable—Jesus. And you know the funny thing about an independent variable? It remains the same no matter what, who, how, why, or where the dependent variable is, was or will be.