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Even Here?

March 19, 2015 by Michelle

Everything I say lately to my husband is a complete downer. The book I just finished writing is sad stuff. My personal life is hard, real hard. There is no margin for error. You may regret even clicking on this post, but you know what? As my four-year-old son says to me when I want a kiss and he doesn’t, “I’m just sorry about that, but I just love you.”

Here’s the thing: It’s my turn.

I don’t want a turn. I don’t. I was fine being happy and in love with Jesus. Being really sad and in love with Jesus feels less romantic somehow. It’s not, but it feels that way.

There were times in my life when I would have felt like I needed to be happy externally. There are teachings that urge us to think or speak our way out of depression. We are intrinsically motivated away from pain.

But pain is unavoidable this side of heaven and it’s just my turn. This doesn’t have to become bigger than it is. This doesn’t define God or me. It’s simply my turn. We all get a turn. I hope yours is not next.

Looking back on my last few years, I have talked a lot about grief, but it was a grief that I am familiar with. My son is fifteen. Adoption grief is complicated and strange, but it seems to evolve more slowly than this. This sadness is speeding toward a brick wall, and yet, never coming closer. It is a marathon in the mud.

News flash: IT SUCKS. It sucks hard.

I find myself making a list of what I can directly control, and friends, that stupid list is so freaking short. I also remind myself of the purpose of pain. That doesn’t much help.

I guess what I am saying is there are times when you just have to sit in it. You have to feel it around you and in you. You have to join in with your suffering. And wait on a Lover/Healer/Friend who is never late and who will always help you.

I will say it again. It sucks.

The helpful thing for me right now is to know my Love intimately. If I had not been giving Him my heart—the good, happy, in love, passionate, attractive heart—than, I would not feel so comfortable giving it to him now—the bad, ugly, disturbing, apathetic heart. My heart right now is like a hot potato, I don’t want to touch it. I keep passing it off to Him.
So, if there are times I have to sit in it, and if this is one of them, and if I keep giving Him my heart and it doesn’t get better, that doesn’t mean I have to be afraid.

“Fear not! For I am with you.”
“Even here?” I ask.
“Yes, even here.”
“Because this sucks,” I have to tell Him.
“Yep, I’m with you there too.”

Jesus being with me in Suckville doesn’t mean He is powerless, but that He is present in this purposeful pain.

I totally just Peter Piper’d you all! Sorry! And now I am laughing, as I type this.

“Yes, even here.”

My counselor years ago told me that if I ever get clinically depressed again (yeah, I said again), I should not be afraid of that but I should just realize that there are moments of joy in every sorrow. Even if they are tiny, like making it to my favorite bathroom stall at work ahead of the other girl, even if I am going there to bawl my eyes out, moments of joy are there.

“Yep, I’m with you there too.”

Moments of joy may better be described as moments of relief. Those seconds that I get to come up for air. The Lord is with me, even here, as I take my turn. And as He speaks to me when I want out but He hasn’t helped me yet, I think he is saying, “I’m just sorry about that, but I just love you.”

If you are feeling down, pain, grief, depression, you don’t have to be afraid. You don’t have to be ashamed or embarrassed. This does not define God or you. If it’s your turn, take heart, friend, the Lord is with you even here, even now.

“You whom I have taken from the ends of the earth,
And called from its remotest parts
And said to you, ‘You are My servant,
I have chosen you and not rejected you.
Do not fear, for I am with you;
Do not anxiously look about you, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you, surely I will help you,
Surely I will uphold you with My righteous right hand.’” Isaiah 41:9-10 (NASB)